i just needed to get this out, and writing a note on facebook is too open.
and its hard to do.
i hadn't spoken to her in 10 years. The last time I saw her was at her high school graduation. She was exactly 10 years older than me, to the day.
I don't know when it happened or how or why, but she died by her own hand.

I remember being in her room at her graduation party, the Backstreet Boys - Black and Blue poster on the ceiling, McDonalds toys, collages on the walls and the door, and how cool she and her sister were compared to me.

Ten years to the day, and I'm the same age now as when I saw her last, and I can't say goodbye.
I never got to say goodbye in 10 fucking years and now she's gone and what the fuck am i supposed to do, how can someone just suddenly not be there, how can all those memories now just be void, that girl smiling at me is gone now, the flesh and muscles and bone and the girl aren't there anymore.

It could have been me. Maybe it should have been me. Maybe if I'd have done it first she wouldn't have followed. I wish I could have just spoken to her beforehand, because I may not have been living her life but maybe we were both in the same place, and maybe she could see that she wasn't alone. I don't blame her for her choice at all. I understand. I just wish I could see her, I wish I could understand some things, I wish she could tell me she's better now, and other things, and what I'm supposed to do with those memories. Ten years to the day.